It started with a kiss

Christmas eve, .. Our common friend invited him to hang out with us on our house.. Masaya.. Kantahan, kwentuhan, tawanan at inuman.. and it end up like we were lovers.. automatic na lang magkatabi na kami.. he holds my hand and then kissed me.. I was shocked and I didn’t know how to react but I didn’t stop him..

Honestly saying, before it all happened.. he gets my attention na.. There something happened kasi noon naging reason para iwasan nya ako.. asar ako sa kanya noon eh! Masyado kasing papansin at madaldal.. lagi nya akong tinatawag at tinutukso sa friend nya.. One time na inaasar nya ko napagtripan kong sabihin sa kanyang “SYA ANG GUSTO KO AND HINDI ANG FRIEND NYA!” wala lang trip ko lang.. masyado kasi syang papansin.. simula non hindi na nya ako kinukulit.. ni tignan nga yata ayaw na nya ako tignan.. yun naman yung simula para mapansin ko sya..

.. and now, im afraid.. after that kiss.. i feel like I'm really falling for him..

I miss you like crazy by Eric Santos

I miss you..

somewhere down the road by nina

it doesn't really have a meaning.. and i don't realy dedicate this song to him.. wla lng ako magawa.. and wyl im doing this vdeo.. xa ang naalala q..

weird wednesday!

what a day.. nde aq nakapasok! namamaga kc ang mata q!

I miss him.. msaya na cguro xa kya nde nya ko kinukulit ngeun! hindi manlng nya magawang magparamdam! i hate this feeling..

Ash Wednesday.. nagsimba q! its really a weird Wednesday mass! imagine, the guy i used to see inside the church was there.. i didn't quickly noticed that he was just in front of me! While i was looking at him natutuwa q.. the last time i saw him kc my kasama xang bata.. pareho pa sila ng suot! feeling q non anak nya un.. knina nman ang kasama nya teenager guy! ang dating nmn nya is kuya.. nung tinitignan q sya natutuwa talga q.. meron xang mga ginagwa na parehas ng ginagwa ko.. nakakatuwa..

while im looking at him.. sa tuwa q.. nasabi ko k Lord.. "Lord akin nalng xa".. hehe! wla lng.. i jst said that kc gusto ko ng makilala ung nakalaan pra sakin! Cguro dhil malungkot din ako... cguo mga 3 times q nasabing akin nlng xa.. then sumagi sa isip q ung kantang "Kristo" ung sign na hinihingi q k Lord.. na kapag nandon ang Mr. Right q.. maririnig ko ang tugtog na un..

You know what's weird.. Tinugtog ang kantang yon.. Nanlambot nga ako e.. kinabahan! Nwala ang concentration q..xa na kya yon?? o nsa paligid q lng don na hindi napapansin.. e1.. basta ang alam.. cno man xa.. nasa paligid q lng xa ng mga oras na un.. kelan q kya xa makikilala..

hoping to meet you very soon..

whaaaaaaaaaat???

Talking about marriage!

When would you know if you were ready to get married??
Kapag feeling mo xa na ung right one??
inlove na inlove ka?
kapag stable kna sa career mo?
kapag feeling mo kailangan mo na ng kasama??
o kapag natatakot ka ng mawala sayo ang taong mahal mo???

i don't know the answer..

last night i was talking to my boyfriend.. Were having fun.. making jokes! talking about everything in life, then we always end up talking about getting married! Lagi nya ko tinatanong kung willing dw ba ako makasama sya or hindi pa rw ba ako handa mag asawa.. Para dw kasing gusto na dw nya talaga.. He was saying natatakot na xa na baka mwala pa ako sa knya.. then our small talk about getting married turned into a serious and difficult topic til umabot sa usapang "SM" Secret marriage.. Kung hindi pa rw ako handang iwan ang buhay ko as single at natatakot akong hindi n mgawa ang mga bagay na lagi kong ginagwa..ok lng.. maghihintay xa hanggng maging ready ako to settle down basta mag secret marriage muna kmi.. magkaron lng dw xa ng kasiguraduahn.. panghahawakang papel pra makasigurado na sa knya lang ako ayos na xa..

Its nice to hear that there is someone is having fear of losing you in his life.. nakakakilig! nakakatuwa.. pro napakakomplikado..

Haaaay.. it was so hard! Our relationship is not in legal in my part..then, pag uusapan namin ang pag aasawa.. i have a feeling ready na namn ko to settle down.. its was just him that i'm so not sure.. gusto ko sya but a life with him.. I'm afraid! hindi ganon kadali and masyado pang maaga..

stand up!

even f I'm always mad or angry at you it doesn't mean i hate you or i didn't accept you from being who really you are.. its not that! i accepted you! its just.. there were times that i don't understand what's happening to you or what on your mined..

i heard lagi ka nanaman drunk! i'm not stopping you from hanging around with your friends.. drink occasionally or kapag feel nyo.. its up to you! its just there were times that i feel like your still hurt with what happened to your past..

i know its hard to forget.. and even though your always saying that its already past and your now moving on, nde ko parin nakikitang kaya mo na or ur really moving forward.. nde umaandar e!

With what's you were doing to yourself.. pinakikita mo lang na your a big loser! ayoko isipin na ganon ka! Dahil ang alam ko matatag ka! your a fighter.. pero feeling q, nung iniwan ka nya..para kang napilayan! parang hindi nga lng napilayan e.. kasi until now, parang hindi mo parin kayang tumayo! Buhay ka nga pro parang inaalisan mo na ng buhay ang sarili mo.. Sinisira mo na ang buhay mo ng hindi mo napapansin! i maybe exaggerated with what am i thinking! pro un ang nakikita ko e.. parate kang lasing, my naka2away ka.. hindi mo inaayos ang buhay mo khit alam mo kung pano..

You said wla ka lng mgawa kaya ka umiinom! would you think its a valid reason?? maraming pwedeng gawin! ayaw mo lng.. tinatamad ka lang!

I thought your matured enough to know what's good and what's bad in your life.. sabi mo maraming kanang pinagdaanan.. and those paths that you walked in through your life makes you strong enough to stand for tomorrow! pro bakit ganyan ka ngayon?

would you think at your age right now, dpat pa bang nag aalala pa sayo ang mga magulang mo? ang mga kapatid mo.. yeah, sinasabi mo that your OK! pro kapag lagi kang umuuwi ng lasing, sa tingin mo, tingin nila sayo ok ka lng? would think thats fair to your parents na all your childhood inalala ka na nila but then, until now inaalala parin nila ng future mo, imbis na nag eenjoy nalng sila at their age! If you been hurt.., doble un sa magulang! minsan ba naisip mo ang nara2mdaman nila kapg parang walang patutunguhan ang anak nila? there are some parents na sinisisi ang sarili nila sa naging future ng anak nila? gusto mo bang isipin nila na mali sila ng palaki sayo??.. i guess not! kaya mo nman ayusin ang buhay diba? alam mo ang dapat mo gawin pro hindi mo ginagawa.. isipin mo kaya na your living your life not just for yourself.. may mga tao sa paligid mo na kailangan ka at kakailanganin ka! Kung masisira ang buhay mo.. pano sila? hindi lng sayo ang buhay mo ngaun.. you know what exactly i mean to say..

deeh, i'm not saying magbago ka or wag mo gawin ung mga bagay na gusto mo gawin! i just want you to have your limitations.. your not getting any younger.. you should know your priorities! Live your life on your own way and stand up by your own! you don't need someone who has a big power to help you stand! ikw pa.. kaya mo un.. i believed in you..

God bless!

i'm not saying this for any non sense reason.. gusto ko lng malaman mo ung nararamdaman q sa ginagawa mo.. hindi ko kayang makita kang palubog..

its finally over!

I never expected na iicpin mong gumaganti aq.. all of a sudden akala q ok lng sayo na wla na tayo.. aun pala iniicp mong ginantihan lang kita!

yeah i know kasalanan ko kung bakit mo iniicp na gumaganti ako.. tama ka! mali ako na wlang explanation kung bkt ayoko ko na.. hindi ko kc alam kung pa'no at kung kaya ko..

ayoko na kc.. maraming gumugulo sa icp ko.. I'm not sure if you really love me or you just need me.. i cnt give you my 100% love because of the trust i cnt fully gave to you! hindi nawawala sa icp ko na magkakabalikan pa kayo.. gusto kitng makasama pero sa tuwing gusto ko savhin sayo yon nararamdaman ko bc ka.. I want to believed that you are mine now.. pero there are times na pakiramdam ko ako ang third party.. hindi ako ang priority mo! wala kang oras sakin pagkailangan kita.. ayoko ng ganon!

Last december i was exited kc alam q malapit ka lng.. there will be a chance na magkasama tayo.. pro nagkamali ako! other than that i've heard a lot of things.. like nagkabalikan na kayo, lagi kayo magkausap.. nandun ka sa knila.. sa kanya galing ang cellphone mo.. xa parin ang mahal mo.. nagbago karin, hindi kna open sakin.. honesty, feeling ko.. xa parin nmn talaga ang mahal mo.. ako? kailangan mo lang ako..

I dont know why i cant tell it to you straightly.. kahit gustong gusto ko ng matapos na ang lahat.. matapos? un nga ba ang gusto q?? honestly, hindi.. ayoko, pero nahihirapan ako.. oo inicp ko n sana hindi kana bumalik at hindi na kita binigyan ang another chance.. pro iniicp ko rin na sana kaya kong hindi mkinig sa mga naririning q.. sana kaya kong hindi icpin ang mga possible things like iiwan mo lng ulet ako kung kelan hindi ko na kaya..

i hope hindi ako nagkamali sa desisyon ko.. pro gusto ko sana.. kht hindi na tayo, maging magkaibgan parin tayo.. close friend! pra kaht papano hindi tayo totally naghiwalay.. nanjan prin tayo pra sa isat isa kht hindi na tayo committed..

i also want to thank you for making my days colorful.. and for the love and care that you shared with me!

i love you goodbye

I'm sorry.. don't try to think that i ended up my relationship with you because i don't love you or i never loved you! that's not true..

i cared for you.. i want you! i need you.. ikaw ang gusto ko! gusto kitang mahalin ng buong buo.. i never loved anyone before the way i loved you! tanggap ko lahat.. handa ako.. hindi ko pinagsisisihan na tinanggap kita uli sa buhay ko kahit na minsan mo na kong sinaktan/nasaktan.. mahal kita.. hindi ko alam kung pa'no ipakita o ipadama.. nahihirapan ako! I'm not so sure if this feelings i have for you is for real! I'm not even sure with your feelings for me!.. there is no assurance that there will be "US" between me and you!

I'm not happy with my decision of leaving you.. honestly, malungkot! namimis kita.. i want to call you and tell you how much i misses your voice pero ayoko!.. ayoko marinig ang boses mo! ayoko marinig ang sasabihin mo dahil ayoko mabago ang desisyon ko! I'm not sure if this decision i made is right, ang alam ko lang.. hindi ko na kaya.. akin ka pero parang ang layo mo.. gusto kitang makasama pero wala ka..ang dami kong gustong gawin kasama ka pero hindi pwede.. I know for some reason that ako ang may problema.. wala akong time, lahat ng gusto mo hindi ko napagbibigayan.. ako rin ang may gusto ng itago natin ang lahat.. mahirap pala.. akala ko kaya ko.. nagkamali ako.. now i know, this relationship i have with you is not for me!

Its really hard to give your 100% love to the person you don't fully trust.. i know you'll understands me..

But, i promise you one thing.. if ever our paths will cross again, and we'll given a chance to back to each others arms.. i will love you to the fullest,i will never ever leave you again.. i will trust and fight for you! promise..

for the mean time.. go find yourself.. i know you can stand now on your own! you don't need me anymore just to forget her! try to build a new you! take care of yourself.. i love you.. goodbye!

am i tolerating them??? nde nman diba? nde.. nde.. nde..

Recently, I feel like I’m carrying something at my back! Ang bigat… I feel like I’m tolerating what they were doing which is MALI! Ayoko but for some reason wala akong magawa… marami akong natutunan sa knya.. Gusto ko umiwas pro mahirap.. marami rin siang naitulong skin! They’re one of those people whom I admire when it comes to work/knowledge! I don’t want to lose them… but every time na magkakasama kami and nakikita ko yung nangyayari between them nde ko maiwasang maapektuhan! (naaawa ako dun sa isa) Nde ko cla tinotolerate pro parang ganon din! parang tinotolerate ko rin cla kapg magkakasama kmi.. aun! Basta.. sometimes nakokonsenxa ko.. parang gumagawa rin ako ng mali sa pananahimik ko sa nakikita ko..

Nde ko alam.. ang hirap!

Am i doing something wrong?

a few days ago i decided to end up my relationship with my boyfriend.. maraming tumatakbo sa isip ko e.. why he suddenly change?! may nagawa ba'ko or hindi ginawa? he lied to me, he doesn't have time, no calls or text.. so i decided ayoko na! but then when visit me and confronted him walang nangyare.. hindi nmn kmi naghiwalay khit na alam na alam kong niloko nya ko for some reason.. Ganon ba katindi yung tama ko sa knya na khit na alam kong he's not worthy ayoko paring mwala xa?

Now, january 01, 2010.. new year.. were still together.. yeah, wer not wid each other but there's still a communication between us! but were not like we were before.. then there's someone.. My drugs.. he really makes me smile.. for some reason i really feel like his my soul mate.. pero parang hindi nmn kmi pang boyfriend/girlfriend material..

Am i doing something wrong? hindi nmn cguro..

i love you

i love you.. i know i really do! i want to show it to you.. i want you to know how much i care for you, i love you.. and miss you! but its hard! you know why? 'cause loving you is one way of losing myself.. i know we have a relationship but being committed to you doesn't mean your mine! i maybe the right one for you.. but I'm not the one you love! You just need me.. i feel it..